I think I’ve been too in love my friends.
Looking at my previous posts confirms this fact. Topics about my friends are extremely prominent. I started out, fresh out of college, worried that our friendship wouldn’t last. I cast this anxiety to the side last spring when we had proven that we would all put in the time and energy to get together. Then people followed me and moved to Boston. Life was amazing. This past summer was the best one I’ve ever had. I was constantly surrounded by my friends and there was nowhere else I wanted to be. It even got to the point where I was selfish. I turned down opportunities to hang out with anyone besides my close-knit group. If I had wanted to, I could have grown my relationships with a lot of coworkers. But I didn’t want this. I wanted my friends. My college friends, who were starting to feel more and more like the family that I had chosen for myself. I was, in a sense, in love.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love, which may be the reason why I forgot an important underlying fact. With love, there is great risk. With love, there is the potential of heartbreak. With love, a tiny, minor disappointment really hits you hard. The small jolt that I recently experienced in our friendship felt like getting rear ended but telling people you were in a head-on collision. No, nothing bad happened. I just feel let down. I honestly don’t even know why. As I said, it was a minor disappointment. So small, in fact, that I can’t even decipher what exactly lit is. I just know that it’s here and I can’t stop thinking about it, like having an elephant in the room.
I don’t make New Year resolutions. I’ve never felt that I needed to. Maybe this should change. Maybe, in 26 days, I should make a resolution to spread myself more horizontally across different people, rather than put my whole heart and soul into one box. It’s risky to believe in something with all of your heart. If you have any doubts, any at all, is it worth the risk? Do i let fate take its course, ride out the storm and see what happens? Or do I make a definitive decision?
I’m hoping that in a few days I delete this post because it was such a ridiculous thing to write. I want to laugh about it and find it amusing that I was so distressed by nothing. But right now, my faith is fading fast. Maybe it’s just time, for better or for worse. Time to make lives separate from one another. A lot of my friends just got new jobs, myself included. Could this be a sign that it’s time to move on, to grow up, to put our energy into bigger and more important things?
There are so many questions, so many maybes. But I guess that’s just the nature of life. No one really knows.